RAW...(Really Annoying Wife)

I feel raw.  Brock and I just got into a doozy of a fight.  And the annoying thing is it would not have been as big of a fight as it was if I had not been so flipping immature.  My defensive claws came out and I was sarcastic and biting.  I said things that I did not mean.  I knew that I was at least half of the problem . I  also knew that if I had just said, "you know what honey, you are right", things would not be nearly as bad right now.  But here I am, alone in this house, pouting.

We don't fight often.  But when we do, it is over the same ridiculous things.  I am forgetful and  the worlds worst procrastinator. Brock is timely and organized.  I don't call babysitters till the last minute, I have no idea what we are having for dinner until a couple hours before dinner.  Brock asks me to do something that morning( dry cleaners, drugstore etc...) and I say "absolutely!!" But by 9:00 I have completely forgotten and do not remember until that afternoon when  he asks me if I picked up his prescription- OOOFFF, I forgot.  Then I hear, deservedly, his deep breath as he tries very hard not to snap at me. Most of the time it ends with that.  Sometimes, his frustration piles up.

I also tend to turn the world off at times.  I have no idea what triggers this, or even when I have done it.  You see, this is a mechanism that I taught myself at the earliest of ages.  If mom was drunk, switch, I have turned myself off.  If I heard fighting, off.  I remember one day at school I heard one of my best friends talking to another friend of mine talking about how moody I could be.  I was shocked.  I would NEVER have described myself as moody.  Maybe unwilling to talk to the world that day, but never moody!  Well, as the years have rolled by, evidently this is a character flaw that I have carried with me.  If somewhere, somehow, I have felt hurt or betrayed, I have a wall that pops up. I thought  this protected me.  And maybe in my youth it did.  But now, now that wall just guards my heart and makes it even more difficult to let people in.  Brock, he wears his emotions on his sleeve.  You know what he is thinking or feeling the minute you meet him.  He has never known a stranger.  His frustration is understood when my switch turns off to him.  Why would I shut myself off to the one person that has proved his love and loyalty time after time?  Why would I do that to my best friend?  He doesn't get it, nor do I.

So, today was due to me shutting down.  It was a long week, I was tired and probably, do I dare say, moody?....

We are never mad at each other for long.  In fact, today, my anger was just an act, part of my defense mechanism. Damn defense mechanisms.  They get me in so much trouble. They all result in one emotion: FEAR.  Fear of  getting hurt, fear of being let down and fear of failure.  But  Brock is with me through better or worse, thick or thin, moody or not moody.  Thank God he is my best friend, because I can be incredibly annoying.