What a difference a year makes

One year ago today, my life was at the brink of disaster. Noone would have ever guessed I was there, but internally I was near the boiling point. I had become a full time professional at holding my emotions in, putting on a big bright smile and letting everyone know how great I was. Amazing even. From an early age I was trained to do that. I could never expose the secrets of the family, so I had to overcompensate the pains I was feeling with smiles. The secrets kept getting bigger and the smiles kept getting broader. I never stopped.

My oldest brother David died tragically in September of 2008. I do think that is what sent me over the edge. I had dealt with other significant losses and tramautic events, but this little ole body could not take any more. For months I tried to smile my pain away and pretend as if everything was fine and dandy in Cathy's world. Secretly, all I wanted to do is crawl in my bed and wish the time away. I was wishing away the precious time I had with the boys and Brock. It made no sense to me as to why I felt the way I did. I was physically healthy, had 3 terrific boys and an incredibly supportive husband. I live in an amazing town and neighborhood, was kept warm at night and sheltered by a nice home. How dare I complain of discontent! For months I kept my mouth shut and continued going through lifes motions, aimlessly and exhausted. And sore. My efforts at trying to keep up the happy face had manifested into severe neck and back pain. I had reached a point that hiding it was no longer an option. My emotional and physical pain was beginning to seethe out of every pore. I could not breathe.

I had asked God for help before, but only halfheartedly. I am not sure I even wanted to change. I felt too lazy to change. It takes a lot of work to break old habits and live life differently. Exactly a year ago, I got on my kness and prayed to God. I prayed for strength. I prayed for change. I prayed for peace. I cried and I begged. This time I prayed with all my heart, not just half of it. Then I carried on with the next couple days, still carrying the burden of my pain right on top of my shoulders. It was not until, in the midst of an argument the following night, that I was aware God had heard me. Brock stopped short in our "discussion" and very tenderly asked me if I needed to go somewhere to deal with my depression. I replied, very calmly and matter of fact like, "yes". At that point I knew that I needed to separate myself from Brock and the boys for a certain amount of time and just focus on myself. I was unable to do it with the constant demands that the home brought me. And I wanted to heal, not just partially, but all the way.

The next day may be one of the scariest days of my life. Driving to the facility knowing the pain the separation from the family was going to bring me, and NOT knowing what lie ahead in the next 30 days filled me with a gut wrenching fear. I wanted to take back that "yes", and go back to the way it was, because at least I was comfortable there. When the boys and Brock kissed me goodbye at 2:00 in the room of my temporary home, I curled up into a fetal posistion and stayed there, all night long. It was not until the next morning that I had my next conversation with God. It went something like this... "Well, I am here, I cannot turn back, help me give it all I got." So at that moment, I got up, got dressed and opened the door to my new life.

I am so grateful to Brookhaven and the women there who helped me get through some pretty serious stuff. There was so much to work through, so much pain to rehash, but the more I let go, the lighter the load on my shoulders was. My pain started to go away. I could breathe.

So here I am, a year later. I am still breathing, my neck and back are still burden free and most importantly, I am with the family. I mean REALLY with them, and there is no other place I would rather be. There is no doubt that the challenges were great at times and will continue to be. But to be able to look someone in the eye and tell them how great I am, and really mean it, far and away outweighs the challenges.