Daddy's Little Girl... For a while at least.

What I am about to tell you I feel plenty of shame over, but this blog is about me being gut wrenching honest right? Whew, deep breath, here it goes....


After my moms suicide, I felt relieved ( okay, there I said it. I love you mom, so much, but its true). I had felt trapped in a dysfunctional world that no one could enter. Once mom killed herself, the secret was out... There was no walking on eggshells around the house or around my friends, teachers and coaches. Life as I had known for 18 years was suddenly ripped right out from under me- but it was a life of mostly sadness and distraught, so this was good right? And the most exciting aspect of all of this was this: at the age of 18 I could finally be daddy's little girl. The thrill of having him to myself elated me. I mean REALLY elated me. You have heard the pain of my upbringing- Dad lived there too and though an adult, he experienced the pain as well. He was trapped. Not only did he have the pressure of running a successful company, but he had to hold the family together too. And though he was not perfect, he did the best that he could. I respect him for staying with her for 25 years- Always holding out hope that things were going to get better. But in doing so, with all the pressure, he was numb. During that time I needed someone capable of taking care of me emotionally, and sadly he could not. But that was all about to change!! He was free as well, and I just knew that together, we could take care of each other.

And we did. It was a nice summer. I felt peaceful- I was spending time with my sweet, sweet friends in that "It is the last summer before we head to college " phase, and spending ample time with daddy as well. Life was right for me, finally. Please know, that there was plenty of heartache. We missed mom terribly. But I also think that mom had motives in her actions when she took her life. And that was so her children and husband could live a normal life. And I was beginning to feel normal.

I went off to school an emotional wreck. I did not want to go to college. I wanted that summer to last forever. I just got dad to myself, and now I had to leave. My friends were heading different directions. The boy I loved since 8th grade had finally succumbed and had spent the whole summer with me (probably out of pity!) and that had to end as well. I was crushed. My one blessing was that my best friend Janet was holding my hand all the way to Saint Mary's and would attend college with me.

Unable to let go of Dad just yet, I came home almost every weekend. Although I know that he loved having me home, I was starting to realize that he was beginning to have his own life. He began dating. Suprisingly to me he dated many different women. He was pretty darn cute, in an overweight, bald way. It was his twinkling eyes and GIGANTIC grin that I am sure had the women falling at his feet. By Thanksgiving he was serious with someone enough to have her over, and by Christmas he was serious about someone else. Although a twinge of jealousy roused in me over them, I was certain they would not get in the way of our relationship. It wasn't until my summer home that I began to shake in my boots, rather flip-flops.

Daddy loved golf. I dont think golf loved him, but he loved the game. On returning home from a tournament in Orlando with some friends, I knew the moment I saw him that something, rather someone, had taken his heart. Immediately I reverted into a twelve year old. I hated her before I had even heard her name. But trust me, I heard her name PLENTY over the next week. With a skip in his step and even more of a twinkle in his eye, Bonnie was all that was talked about. I cannot believe he did not see the steam out of my ears or heard the sarcasm in my voice.

When I met Bonnie, my world returned to pretending. I pretended that I liked her. I smiled. I laughed. But boy did I hurt.

On August 16th, my birthday, dad and I got into the biggest fight we had ever had. You see, as his protector, I was old enough and wise enough to tell him what he should and should not do. "You should date her," I would wisely tell him, " But do not get too serious. We just lost mom a year ago. Date around. Have fun." In other words I was screaming like a little child, "Don't leave me daddy!!!" He did not like my wisdom too much, and I stormed out of the house. Later that evening, from a friends house, I called him to apologize. "CathyLou," he said solemnly, "We are getting married in 3 weeks."

Yep, three weeks. I went and puked in the bathroom.

Bonnie is a beautiful and loving woman. This is not about her. It is about me and my incredibly immature and selfish ways. There was nothing to dislike about her and everything to love. I just chose to dislike.
Through time I came to love Bonnie. Bottom line, she made dad happy. That is all that mattered right?

Over the next 5 years I graduated from Saint Mary's, went to UGa, went to rehab(seriously, I did. There is a whole blog entry on that!) got a job, got engaged, got disengaged, finished school and went to work in cellular phone sales as my first official job. I had also apparently grown up in those 5 years. My relationship with dad was great, although, if I am still gut wrenching honest, I would have preferred more time with just us.

In the first week of April 1994 I was in what could have been a deadly car accident on Interstate 77 in Charlotte. There was construction in my lane and as slowed down to switch lanes a cement truck did not see me and at full speed rammed me into the next lane. By the grace of God there were no oncoming cars. My car was totalled and my neck and back bother me to this day, but I was fine.

April 14, a week later, while my father was travelling in Hong Kong, a cement truck ran a stop sign and hit daddy and 3 other passengers at full speed. He was not so lucky.  Life, as I had known it, had been ripped out from under me, again....