Daddy's Little Girl... For a while at least.

What I am about to tell you I feel plenty of shame over, but this blog is about me being gut wrenching honest right? Whew, deep breath, here it goes....


After my moms suicide, I felt relieved ( okay, there I said it. I love you mom, so much, but its true). I had felt trapped in a dysfunctional world that no one could enter. Once mom killed herself, the secret was out... There was no walking on eggshells around the house or around my friends, teachers and coaches. Life as I had known for 18 years was suddenly ripped right out from under me- but it was a life of mostly sadness and distraught, so this was good right? And the most exciting aspect of all of this was this: at the age of 18 I could finally be daddy's little girl. The thrill of having him to myself elated me. I mean REALLY elated me. You have heard the pain of my upbringing- Dad lived there too and though an adult, he experienced the pain as well. He was trapped. Not only did he have the pressure of running a successful company, but he had to hold the family together too. And though he was not perfect, he did the best that he could. I respect him for staying with her for 25 years- Always holding out hope that things were going to get better. But in doing so, with all the pressure, he was numb. During that time I needed someone capable of taking care of me emotionally, and sadly he could not. But that was all about to change!! He was free as well, and I just knew that together, we could take care of each other.

And we did. It was a nice summer. I felt peaceful- I was spending time with my sweet, sweet friends in that "It is the last summer before we head to college " phase, and spending ample time with daddy as well. Life was right for me, finally. Please know, that there was plenty of heartache. We missed mom terribly. But I also think that mom had motives in her actions when she took her life. And that was so her children and husband could live a normal life. And I was beginning to feel normal.

I went off to school an emotional wreck. I did not want to go to college. I wanted that summer to last forever. I just got dad to myself, and now I had to leave. My friends were heading different directions. The boy I loved since 8th grade had finally succumbed and had spent the whole summer with me (probably out of pity!) and that had to end as well. I was crushed. My one blessing was that my best friend Janet was holding my hand all the way to Saint Mary's and would attend college with me.

Unable to let go of Dad just yet, I came home almost every weekend. Although I know that he loved having me home, I was starting to realize that he was beginning to have his own life. He began dating. Suprisingly to me he dated many different women. He was pretty darn cute, in an overweight, bald way. It was his twinkling eyes and GIGANTIC grin that I am sure had the women falling at his feet. By Thanksgiving he was serious with someone enough to have her over, and by Christmas he was serious about someone else. Although a twinge of jealousy roused in me over them, I was certain they would not get in the way of our relationship. It wasn't until my summer home that I began to shake in my boots, rather flip-flops.

Daddy loved golf. I dont think golf loved him, but he loved the game. On returning home from a tournament in Orlando with some friends, I knew the moment I saw him that something, rather someone, had taken his heart. Immediately I reverted into a twelve year old. I hated her before I had even heard her name. But trust me, I heard her name PLENTY over the next week. With a skip in his step and even more of a twinkle in his eye, Bonnie was all that was talked about. I cannot believe he did not see the steam out of my ears or heard the sarcasm in my voice.

When I met Bonnie, my world returned to pretending. I pretended that I liked her. I smiled. I laughed. But boy did I hurt.

On August 16th, my birthday, dad and I got into the biggest fight we had ever had. You see, as his protector, I was old enough and wise enough to tell him what he should and should not do. "You should date her," I would wisely tell him, " But do not get too serious. We just lost mom a year ago. Date around. Have fun." In other words I was screaming like a little child, "Don't leave me daddy!!!" He did not like my wisdom too much, and I stormed out of the house. Later that evening, from a friends house, I called him to apologize. "CathyLou," he said solemnly, "We are getting married in 3 weeks."

Yep, three weeks. I went and puked in the bathroom.

Bonnie is a beautiful and loving woman. This is not about her. It is about me and my incredibly immature and selfish ways. There was nothing to dislike about her and everything to love. I just chose to dislike.
Through time I came to love Bonnie. Bottom line, she made dad happy. That is all that mattered right?

Over the next 5 years I graduated from Saint Mary's, went to UGa, went to rehab(seriously, I did. There is a whole blog entry on that!) got a job, got engaged, got disengaged, finished school and went to work in cellular phone sales as my first official job. I had also apparently grown up in those 5 years. My relationship with dad was great, although, if I am still gut wrenching honest, I would have preferred more time with just us.

In the first week of April 1994 I was in what could have been a deadly car accident on Interstate 77 in Charlotte. There was construction in my lane and as slowed down to switch lanes a cement truck did not see me and at full speed rammed me into the next lane. By the grace of God there were no oncoming cars. My car was totalled and my neck and back bother me to this day, but I was fine.

April 14, a week later, while my father was travelling in Hong Kong, a cement truck ran a stop sign and hit daddy and 3 other passengers at full speed. He was not so lucky.  Life, as I had known it, had been ripped out from under me, again....

Things you may or may not know....

Happiest moment

I am horribly shy. It has taken 40 years to try and overcome this. If I am in a crowd of people I do not know, my stomach turns inside out. Once I know you, the shyness diminishes.

Oddly enough, with that shy quality, I do not mind speaking in front of crowds. At one point in my very indecisive life, I wanted a career travelling around high school and speaking to teenagers about alcohol abuse.

My husband of 12 years, Brock, is by far the funniest and most generous man I know.

I am a procrastinator, unorganized and seem to function in chaos. It is amazing that Brock deals with this on a regular basis and is still married to me. I come from it naturally. Not one member of my family did things in a timely organized fashion. My father somehow ran a successful business without EVER being able to see the floor of his office or his desk.

That being said, I am certified ADD. The problem is that I am so distracted I can't remember to take my medication.

I became a mother at the age of 5. It seems impossible, I know. But the minute I held my little brother Chris in my arms, I somehow knew that I would be his caretaker. I think I was rather cruel at times, but nonetheless loved (and still do ) him dearly.

Holding Chris in my arms, sitting on our fresh green shag carpet is my very first memory.

Everyone in my life up to 1999 called me Fletch. Many do not even know my first name. Now, in Asheville, people only know me as Cathy, and call my son Fletch.

I stayed back in the 8th Grade. NO! It was not because I was failing, but because I was emotionally immature?!!

Kiawah Island, South Carolina holds many of my absolute happiest and most treasured memories.

My first kiss was at an 8th grade dance to the Commodores song, Once Twice Three Times a Lady. (second round of 8th grade, I was more mature)

I want to write a book one day, and I want my brother Richard to help me.

It always amazes me that two people can share the exact same experience and have two totally different memories of the event.

I spend a lot of my spare time training 2 of my 3 labs. I travel with them to handle them in hunting and trial competitions.

My biggest regret is not applying my self in school, or tennis AT ALL. I realize now that I could have had a social life, played tennis and studied.

I have always wanted to be a photographer. When I told dad that in the 9th grade he told me to forget it, they make no money! I still want to be a photographer.......

I have not had a drink in almost 20 years.

I want to be a better fly fisherman, I want to break 80, I want to beat certain people in tennis(no names) and I never want to lose a game of ping pong to my boys. Right now Fletcher and I have a bet that he can beat me in the hundred yard dash. It will devastate me if he does. We will find out soon, and I will let you know.

I cry when I hear any of my boys names on the load speaker at football games. "And the tackle was made by #6 HUUUGH Himan"  "Great Block by # 61 Fletcher Himan".  "Touchdown by #69 Cooper Himan!"  Gets me every time. 

I want to run, but can't get past the obstacle that I hate running. I was a sprinter in high school. Distances bore me (might be the Attention Deficit Disorder)

Any body of water soothes me. I am at my happiest when I am in a boat (or behind a boat) on the lake, sitting by the ocean at the beach, or fishing a river.

The person I respect the most in the world is my brother Richard. He has more heart,humility, compassion and integrity than anyone I know, much like my father. He has coached and taught for 19 years and to witness the school and students(old and new) rally around him during life's most difficult times and life's most precious time is quite a sight.

The quality I look for most in someone is humility. "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." Philippians 2:3

I am passionate about my friends. I do admit that I have a difficult time letting people in... But once you have entered my circle of trust I will cherish you. My friends are my family.

I want to travel to my deceased brother David's beloved land, Hong Kong. I want to see the land he loved so much, and meet the friends that he called family. I want to feel closer to him.

I always dreamed of having 3 boys. Girls scared me. I was raised with, and so proud of it, 3 brothers.  When David died I felt robbed, in many ways.  One of those was that my entire life I had taken such pride of having 3 brothers.  It identified me in so many ways. Today when asked how many siblings I have I answer with an empty heart, 2. 

I LOVE Music. Every song I hear has a memory attached to it. A place, a time, a person... My ipod tells my life story...

The saddest MOMENT of my life was the moment I received my high school diploma from Dr. Fox and looking down at the third row at the empty seat beside my father. Mom had died 2 weeks earlier. The happiest MOMENT of my life was walking down the street in Linville, NC and knowing I was walking to Brock and having my brothers David and Richard walk me towards him.  

I thank God everyday for my many many blessings in life. I thank Him for the obstacles that I faced, for they gave me character "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." {Rom 5:3-5 NIV)

It is great being a mom and being able to be a child  again with your kids. There is nothing greater than the gut wrenching laughter of all three kids at the same time. I call it my perfect place.